Screwed.edu
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize