We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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