Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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