Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
