hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
