I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
