Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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