Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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