i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
