I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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