took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
