we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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