my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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