I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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