im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
