just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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