whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
