Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
