dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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