i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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