dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
