I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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