thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
