I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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