I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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