Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
