he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize