I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
