I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
