I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
