I wish my penis had an off switch
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
