Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
