2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
