I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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