i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
