Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
