Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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