im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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