I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
