Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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