I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So many bounce houses so little time
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
