The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
