did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
