my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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