She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
