Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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