I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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