If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize