will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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