Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
