need another drink. this is the easiest way
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You pole danced in your parka.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
