Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
