With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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