That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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