Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
