It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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