Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Randomize
