Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
