foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
