so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
