i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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