The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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