Don't make out with my wife yet
In America we eat man semen.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
