He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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